CLEAN JOKES

Monster Pill

Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention?

It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin.

Igor: But what's it for?

Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headache's

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding side by side along the open prarie, when suddenly from the north they see 1,000 Apache braves on horseback galloping toward them. They reverse direction immediately and begin riding south as fast as their horses will go. Then, from the south come 1,000 Comanches on horseback riding at them. They panic as the war cries and shouts grow louder, and turn their mounts toward the east and continue to try to escape. They quickly are surpised by 1,000 Cherokee warriors riding full bore at them east to west. In another desparate turn, they turn their mounts to the west only to see 1,000 angry Souix warriors heading toward them and closing in fast. Completely surrounded, they bring their trusty steeds to a stop.

The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto as the dust clears and asks, "Well, old friend, what do we do now??"

Tonto looks back at the masked man and says "What do you mean WE pale face?"

Nice one twinkle.

My five-year old students are learning to read.



Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' ;






And so it does...




African elephant

Dear friends

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, that Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:

How to make bedroom slippers out of sanitary pads:
1. You need four New Freedom pads to make a pair.
2. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
3. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
4. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
5. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day, and Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

WELL A HOPE YER DONT THINK I'M SHUFFLIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN THEM TWINKLE

NO OFFENCE LIKE

Ive been really busy n worked really hard trying to come up with an original xmas pressie for ya to now i,m disapointed yr not gonna wear em

Can I have santa claus on mine?

it,s nice to know someone appreciates all my hard work n thoughtfulness you can have rudolf on yr to if ya like

Two wee leprechauns knocked at the door of an enormous convent in Ireland...the Mother Superior answered and one of the leprechauns asked her

"Mother...be there a nun leprechaun in dis convent"

She looked at him rolling her eyes and said "No...there be no nun leprechauns here."

Undaunted the little leprechaun said

"Well surely Mother...there be nun leprechans at the convent down the road"

Preparing to shut the door she said "Are ye daft...be off wid ya..dere are no nun leprechauns here and dere are none down the road.."

Thrusting his wee body into the closing door he managed to say "Surely Mother in all of Ireland...somewhere dere is a nun leprechaun..."

By now the Mother Superior is losing her temper "Dere are no NUN Leprechans here...dere are none down the road...THERE ARE NO NUN LEPRECHAUNS IN ALL OF IRELAND...now be off wid ye..." and she slammed the door shut.

The little leprechaun turned to his buddy and shook his head-

"Ya see Jimmy...I tole ya...ya been boinkin' a penguin!"

A guy asks his wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She replied, "A divorce!"

The guy looked at her and said, "I wasn't planning on spending THAT much!

Is God Real?
An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy so he sent me."

There were three black ladies
getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.
The first lady said,
'I don't know bout y'al , but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties
beefo I get on dat plane.
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked?
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and

I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'ma-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered,

'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun,
dey can see me first.'
The third lady says,

'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........
'What? No panties?'the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right.

I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always
look for da black box first.

Women is the best vehicle in the world.

Front - 2 bumpers!
Back - 2 bumpers!
Self lubricating when hot!
Monthly automatic engine oil change!
Every type of piston fits!

8 qualities of a Perfect Husband

Brave, Intelligent, Gentle
Polite, Energetic, Nutty, Industrious, Sensitive

And if all else fails, read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!

Touch it gently..
Put ur finger inside..
If hole is big put three fingers....
Rub it up & down gently...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.... that's the right way of washing a glass!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009


WHEN.........

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.